I Just Want Someone To LOVE Me!
By Anna M. Caison
While attending a seminar 2 years ago for sexual healing
in the church, I met a young woman who had been a victim of spiritual/sexual
abuse. After sharing her testimony of deliverance and healing, she agreed to my
sharing her experience in book form as a Prevention/Intervention help to others.
In light of the recent spiritual/sexual
abuse occurring within the Catholic faith, we need to be aware that Satan can
infiltrate any faith group in an attempt to erode and/or hinder faith in the
Lord Jesus. With the heart of Jesus, we need to become sensitive and
understanding to the plight of our brothers and sisters who are susceptible to
things that we have overcome (Galatians 6:1-3). NOTE: The following
testimony is a true account of what one woman experienced in her quest to
be "special" loved and appreciated. The name of the individual has been changed
to protect the identity of her and her family.
Aimee’s Story
It
was the winter of 1990–I was alone, sitting in my small cubicle office with a
razor blade resting on my wrist. I had made my decision to end it all. Life was
not for me. I didn’t fit in! I didn’t belong. Nobody wanted me,
they wanted the fruit of my labor, the result of hard work, they wanted the
financial gain my gifts and talents brought them, but not me. All I ever wanted
was to be "special" to someone who would love me, cherish me, and appreciate me.
Yet everyone I had poured out my life into would physically and/or mentally
abuse me.
This last relationship brought me to the end of my rope. What
began as fatherly affection and spiritual guidance, became distorted, dark and
sadistic. Not only had he physically and mentally abused me, he had also began
to sodomize me, and in several failed attempts, tried to burn his initials onto
my behind. He would dig his nails into my back making long bloody scars. And for
additional pleasure, or to alleviate himself of anger and frustration caused by
his wife, he’d take a leather belt (or a plastic strap) and beat me till my back
and thighs were covered with bloody welts. He had such a control over me. He had
me believing that what he did to me was my purpose for existing. "Some people
are born to be leaders, but you my dear was born to be a slave, God created you
to serve me in any way I choose," he told me. Every time I tried to end the
relationship he would tighten his hold on me and became more abusive.
I felt death was the only way to be free. As I placed the
blade on my wrist, I heard a voice say, "Greater love hath no man than this,
that I laid my life down for you Aimee!" I recognized the words as
scripture, was this the Holy Ghost communicating to me from within me? "For
God so loved ‘Aimee’ that He gave His only begotten son that if ‘Aimee’
continues to believe in Him,' Aimee’ will have everlasting life. You don’t have
to take your life Aimee, I’ve already given my life for you!" With tears
streaming down my face I dropped the blade in the garbage can. Within me I could
hear a verse I was taught as a youth, "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully
and wonderfully made:" and another, "Behold what manner of love the
Father hath bestowed upon Aimee that she should be called the daughter of God: .
. .it doth not yet appear what Aimee shall be: but we know that when he shall
appear, Aimee shall be like him; for Aimee shall see him as he is. Who shall
separate Aimee from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or
persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay in all these
things we (Aimee included) are more than conquerors through him that loved us."
Right there, in the privacy of my cubical, I dropped to my
knees and repented to God for attempting suicide, committing fornication, and
looking to man to fill a need in my life that only He, Jesus could fill.
With new found boldness, courage and self-acceptance through
the eyes of Jesus, I broke off my illicit relationship. When he saw he could no
longer confuse me with his twisting of Old Testament Scriptures of his right to
take me and make me his bond slave, he left me alone. It didn’t all end
overnight. His mocking, threats, and the enticement of his other slaves to
return to what they called "his protective custody" continued for more than a
year. But I remained consistent in avoiding being anywhere alone with him, or in
group gatherings he controlled. As far as I knew, I was the only slave he
abused, belittled, and publicly humiliated. The others received gifts, monies,
awards and accolades for being faithful servants of God before the membership.
It has been thirteen years since my horrible ordeal, and upon leaving, my
deliverance from fear and control of man have been strengthen.
Today, I no longer crave to be special to any man, not even
my husband. My focus is knowing that I am now and have always been
special to God, so special that He gave His life on Calvary for me, so special
that He created me in His likeness and endowed me with His Holy Spirit, His
creativeness, intelligence, wisdom and beauty.
In Jesus I have found fulfillment in life that is not
determined by the acceptance or rejection of family, friends or people in
general, it is secure in His sacrificial love for me. And since my fulfillment,
joy and peace is in Jesus and not people, people can’t take it away from me!
- Aimee
Aimee’s story is not unusual, nor is it confine only to
women. Men too have been victims to spiritual abuse. Any individual (male or
female) who lack a healthy self-esteem is subject to the spirit of abuse.
Aimee’s willingness to surrender her total being to the
desires of anyone, in return for their acceptance and appreciation of her is
what made her a victim. Her deliverance came when she began to accept the
written word of God as a personal call from Him to her. When she received God’s
love and acceptance of her demonstrated through Christ, she was able to walk in
the power of Jesus and declare her freedom from fear and control of her abuser.
Spiritual Abuse is not uncommon as you might think. There are
numerous books and web sites that address the issues of spiritual abuse within
borderline religious sects that are comparable to what you see in many cults.
The pastor (bishop, overseer, evangelist, elder, etc)
who is flowing in the anointing of Christ -
Most abusive churches have pastors who present themselves as spiritual parents appointed by God to exclusively govern and
direct each member’s life.
In Matthew 23:9, Jesus says, "And call no man your father
upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven." It is evident
from the context in which Jesus spoke He is talking Spiritual. In our natural
families we have fathers who are fleshly and fallible as we are, and we respect
them as our natural fathers. When we are born again by the Spirit of God,
He becomes our Spiritual Father. He is Spirit and He is infallible. He
alone is the creator and source of our new life. If we call our pastors our
Spiritual Fathers we have placed them on the same level as God, a level they are
incapable of fulfilling because like you and I they are susceptible to error;
our true Spiritual Father, God, is not. God would never put the spiritual
well-being of His children exclusively in the hand of man who is incapable of presenting us
faultless before Him and keep us from falling (Jude 24).
In Paul’s statement to the Corinthian Church (1 Cor. 4:15,
"For though ye have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet have ye not many
fathers; for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel,") he
wasn’t declaring himself to be their spiritual father in the same sense
as God is our Spiritual Father. He meant in example as a natural son is expected
to follow in the natural father’s footsteps. Since he was the vessel that led
them to Christ they should also emulate his example in being a servant of Christ
(1 Cor. 4:16), instead of wasting time comparing one minister against another as
to who was superior to the other. All, whether apostles, pastors, teachers,
prophets, evangelists, or elders, are laborers and workers of God, servants
of Christ. All Christians, leaders and laity are ministers of the New Testament
(2 Cor. 3:6); each has been given the ministry of reconciliation; we are all
Ambassadors of Christ sent my Him (2 Cor. 5:17-20); and regardless of which part
of the Body of Christ we fill, we are all equally important and valued by God
(Rom. 12:3-5; 1 Cor. 12:12-25). We are all one in Christ.
Spiritual Abusive Leaders also take scriptures such as Luke
14:26 out of context to teach and command their followers to dissolve all
relationships with family members who will not submit and become apart of their
church. What the above scripture actually teaches is that devotion to family
(including spiritual/church family)
must be second in comparison
to devotion to Christ.
Hebrews 13:17, another favorite of abusive leaders in
controlling their flock, is taught to mean that God requires absolute obedience
to the leader, even if he’s in error because God will protect them because of
their obedience to the leader. However, when this scripture is taken in light of
other scriptures concerning leaders in the church we understand that God does
not give the leader dictator rights to the flock (1 Peter 5:1-3). Leaders are
not to be overlords to God’s people, but by example they are to
lead the people into developing a closer relationship with Christ. They are to
take the lead in demonstrating self-denial, mortification of the flesh and its
cravings, and practice holiness. They are to do their job with a willing mind
that takes pleasure in serving the Lord. The flock helps to keep pastors humble
when they follow the example
of the people of Berea, who followed behind Paul’s
teaching by searching the scriptures to see if what Paul taught was of God (Acts
17:10,11). In an abusive church, members are ridiculed and humiliated before the
congregation as being rebellious and un-teachable when they question the leader’s interpretation
of scripture, or any demands or rules and regulations he places on the membership.
Yet Jesus welcomed questions from His disciples, the Pharisees, and the multitude
(Matt. 15:1-2, 12; 19:7, 8; 22:15-17, 36).
Ephesians 4:11-14 further teaches that pastors (apostles,
prophets, evangelists, teachers) are gifts from Christ to the church for the
purpose of equipping the saints for ministry, and for the growth and maturity of
the Church. They themselves are not the head of the church, nor do they
symbolize the head of the church, Christ alone is the head of the church (Col.
1:18). Leaders are chief servants under Christ ministering to the
needs of the body in accordance to the Word of God.
If you are a victim of spiritual abuse, or know someone who
is, please share this booklet with them. Or, if you need someone to talk to, or
to pray with, I can be reached by email and we can set an appointment for
private chat.
You may email me at:
acaison@christmadeknowninme.org
A very good book that deals with recovering from abusive churches is
currently out of print but should be available at the library:
"Recovering from Churches that Abuse"
by Ronald Enroth
Another book on the market is:
"The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse"
by David Johnson & Jeffrey Van Vonderen
Helpful Web Sites on the subject of Spiritual Abuse:
How To Determine If a Group Is A Destructive Cult
http://www.factnet.org/rancho5.htm
The Language Of Enslavement
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/6312/abuse5.html
When you log on to this site, scroll down and read: "Obey and
Submit" and near the bottom of the list titled "Manipulative Groups
Might. . . . . . . ." notice that abusive leaders instruct their followers to:
turn down job promotions, stay in town, and give up career opportunities because
of dependency on them (pastor/leader); causing you to think that you are
selfish when you carry out your wishes instead of your discipler’s (pastor’s
wishes)
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you would like to receive this article in booklet form to share with others, send an
email request with your mailing address to Anna M. Caison; RE: I Just want
Someone to Love Me! to:
acaison@christmadeknowninme.org
Additional writings from Anna M. Caison can be found by clicking the
following link:
REHOBOTH: The Lord Has Made Room for Me!
A Resurrection Day Thought
Scriptural Truths concerning
Christ & Homosexuals
Build My House!
Losing Hair: A Personal
Testimony of Triumph over Breast Cancer
Walking on the Water with
Jesus!
Meditations for Leaders in the
Making
Coercive
Persuasion & The Church
About the Writer
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